.Wednesday, July 15, 2009 ' Wednesday, July 15, 2009 Y
Lately I've been feeling very weak. Tired of staying back after school almost everyday till 5pm+ to finish up my D&T artefact. Have to rush cos dateline is 28 July 09. Hais then always reach home around 6pm. I'm fasting for the past 3 days. That's why some of you may not see me eating during recess. Therefore reach home around 6pm, pray, bath, relax a bit and get ready to break fast. By the time I start doing homework, will be at night already at around 8pm+. Busy with homework till I'm too afraid to take a rest. Afraid I can't finish my homework and in the end, I have no time to study for my mock exam. Furthermore, tomorrow I have Maths mock exam paper1 and now too, I'm busy finishing my history hmwk. I don't even know if I have time to study or not. My schedule is so tight. I've been sleeping late frequently just to finish up my hmwk. So it just leaves me about 4-5 hrs of sleep. The only time for me to rest is 4 hrs of sleeping time a day. That's seriously critical. Day by day, I'm becoming much more stress, trying to cope with everything and all. There is no way I can share this with anyone cos I know many people may be stress just like me. This stress I feel results to headache. Sometimes I just feel like crying, but I tried not to. Even if I really want to cry, I'll cry alone, keep the tears and sadness to myself. I won't show it to everyone. At this point of time, my head hurts but I try to endure. This feeling is really making me miserable. Sometimes I feel like giving up. But I always remind myself that I can do it. Now, I'm also sad because my classmates will be separated every maths period. The 'clever' class and the 'weak' class. Definitely, I'm in the weak class but sadly, Mr Teo Yee Ann isn't taking my class anymore. He'll be teaching my classmates who are much more intelligent. But he said that he'll still monitor us. Even though I'm kinda afraid of him, I still prefer him to teach me rather than trying to adapt with the teaching style of a different teacher. Our class always have fun during maths period cos Tamam always makes jokes. So just now in sch, Tamam made jokes again during maths period and the whole class laughed. Then Mr Teo said, "Next week no more fun and laughter already ah..." Me and ash were like looking at each other with our sad face. We were so sad that we didn't even have the mood to do maths after that. Seriously. I was like putting my head on the table. Hais.... Everything is pressurising. :'( At this point of time, I just need support. I don't want other problems to come, be it friendship problem. Even if people are bad to me or want to challenge me in everything, I couldn't care less. I musn't feel so low about myself. The most important thing is to have confidence in myself, in whatever I do. "Too over-confident isn't good", I still remember this message kak syakila sent me 2 yrs ago and I will always remember it. Another message I always remember from this special person, he said, "Nobody is stupid. Only the people who think they are stupid, are stupid." I've never forgotten this message.
Another thing that bothers me a lot is this particular person, who likes me, but I've told him many times that I don't like him, but I guess he still doesn't understand. Pfffftt. He just messaged me but I didn't want to reply cos it's seriously bothering my mind that is already stress. I won't entertain him anymore. Now he's making me much more stress. At least, if the person who messages me is the person I love, I really don't mind. In fact, I will be very happy and I guess my stress will lose just like that. But it doesn't turn out like that. That's why I'm very frustrated when the people that I didn't expect them to message me, are the ones who message me. Seriously, I'm stress handling people who doesn't understand the true feeling of love. You'll know how strong your love is towards a person only if the feeling doesn't fade away as years pass by. Knowing a person for just a few months doesn't guarantee true feeling of love. It's just 'a while' feeling. Obviously, love can't be forced too. I don't like to be forced to love someone. If I have feelings towards someone, the feeling will come by itself, and I don't have to force myself to produce feelings towards a person. Like what I experienced last time, I only noticed I love someone when I kept feeling shy whenever I saw him. That's a natural feeling. If my feelings doesn't change and doesn't fade away as years goes by, it means that I really love that someone. My heart is not easy to be won, really. It really takes someone special to win my heart. Once I've found that special someone, I'll treasure him for my whole life. For those guys who I don't have feelings towards them, they find it really really damn hard to win my heart. Some of them even asked about what should they do to win my heart. I said, nothing. Cos nothing can change the fact that I don't like them. The kind of guy that I want isn't easy to be found. Somehow, I've found someone but I guess he still likes the 'girl'. Hais nvm... :( Whatever it is, he'll always be my friend, even though he's cruel to me, or whatsoever. "Throughout your life, there are times where a friend messes you up and really make you angry or upset. Don't forget about it, but do forgive that person."
Sometimes, I feel like running away from all these things. I just don't like to stay in Singapore. I feel like migrating to Malaysia and live in Melaka or KL. If Melaka, I'll live in kampung, and become a village girl. I don't mind cos I grew up and spend many of my childhood times there. I can only remember my childhood times at the kampung, instead of Singapore. Funny right? Furthermore, it is very peaceful living in a kampung. We can only hear the sound of chickens, the frogs, cows and sheeps(bekkk,,,bekkk) and also sound of the motorcycles passing by the kampung. During prayer time, the calling prayer can be heard from the mosque. Very loud, and it makes me feel peaceful, rather than hearing the normal calling prayers from the radio in Singapore. At any time when I'm bored, I can just visit my closest relatives there, at Pedas, and at other different parts of Melaka. If KL, I can just go to abg husairi's house. Urban environment, like S'pore but at least it's much better there maybe? I don't want to live here. Even though I'm a Singaporean, I think my heart still belongs to Malaysia.
YYY